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The Xenophile Historian

K. U. P.

(Kimball's Unauthorized Perversion)

Unconventional Tactics For Fighting Terrorism

It has been more than ten years since 9/11. We defeated the Taliban and Saddam Hussein, making it possible to set up democracies in two countries that never had them before. On top of all that, our Navy SEALs bagged the perpetrator of 9/11, Osama bin Laden.

In a conventional war, those would be clear signs that the enemy is losing. Our government and our allies have more resources than the terrorists. We have superior technology; most of the weapons used by terrorists are not made in the countries they come from. Itís a safe bet weíre smarter; how many Americans think they will go to Paradise if they blow themselves up? We even have a better sense of humor, as Martin Bodek pointed out in this 2002 column.

a terrorist showing off

So why hasnít the other side surrendered yet? Because they have won the war of words so far. The terrorists have succeeded in portraying themselves as tough guys who do not fear death, and are morally upright compared with us. Next to guns, bombs and knives, their favorite weapon is the camera (see the above picture). They have also covered up most of their mistakes, some of which are described below. As Saul Alinsky, the favorite author of radicals and "community organizers" put it: "Power is not only what you have but what the enemy thinks you have." Finally, an unconventional war gives them a psychological advantage. Our side has to stop them every time in order to be considered successful, while they only have to get past our defenses once.

Even worse, the governments of the West have played into their hands. Every good story with a conflict also needs a villain; otherwise you get a boring round of philosophical questions about what motivates the other side, or we try to investigate cultural and political trends that can't really be measured. Sometimes you can make a story more interesting by telling it in an unconventional way (e.g., the science fiction novel Soldier, Ask Not, by Gordon R. Dickson, won a Hugo Award because it was told from the villain's point of view). Unfortunately, that works in better in literature than it does in real life; most of the time our leaders just paint everything in black and white, describing the heroes as all good and the villains as all bad. Thus, we see terrorist leaders cast as evil geniuses (think of Emperor Palpatine from "Star Wars," Sauron, Lex Luthor or Doctor Doom), and their followers as loyal henchmen. By making our enemies larger-than-life, we (and the government) tend to over-react to terror attacks, even when they fail. Consequently we go through extensive security checks in airports, because of bumblers like the "underwear bomber." If you're cynically minded, you could point out that the makers of safety equipment use our fears to generate more sales, and that many politicans use terrorism as an excuse to pass laws which restrict our freedoms even more.

What a Bunch of Dummies!

Therefore we are going to have to try some new strategies, besides brute force. One that needs to be used more is making fun of them. Again Iíll quote Alinsky to explain why: "Ridicule is manís most potent weapon. It is almost impossible to counterattack ridicule. Also it infuriates the opposition, who then react to your advantage." After all, liberals have been using ridicule against conservatives for the past few years; it is time we on the right tried it against our enemies. Consider these shortcomings the terrorists donít want you to know:

1. Their leaders may be scary, but most are so stupid and incompetent, that they fail more often than they succeed. In Afghanistan, for example, one out of every two suicide bombers only kills himself. There have even been incidents where the suicide bombers engaged in a "group hug" before going on a mission, and they embraced each other hard enough to set off the explosives! In 2014 a suicide bombing trainer in Baghdad accidentally blew up himself and his class. I wonder if he told his students, just before it happened: "Watch carefully. I'm only doing this once." And then there is the Taliban commander who saw his picture on an American "wanted" poster, and turned himself in to claim the reward! Considering how incompetent government agencies can be (e.g., the TSA), it is encouraging whenever the terrorists do something idiotic, to make the job of the authorities easier.

stupid terrorist poster

My favorite story along that line is about a failed suicide bombing mission in Moscow, on the last night of 2010. Here a female terrorist planned to kill hundreds by blowing herself up in the middle of a crowd, that had gathered in Red Square to celebrate New Year's Eve. Her companions were going to detonate the explosive by sending a text message to her cell phone, so she should have turned the cell phone off until she reached the target. Instead she left it on, and a few hours before going to Red Square, the cell phone company sent her a text message, wishing her a happy new year. Boom! Again, only the bomber was killed; I hope she won a Darwin Award for that. There you have proof that spam kills!

In 2009 the humor site posted a list of five terrorist plots which failed, in ways so unbelievably bad that even you could have done better. Read them and laugh. And if you want more, read Daniel Pipes' list of stupid terrorists.

2. They arenít really holy warriors, but hypocrites and perverts. After Osama went into hiding, he used videos to make you think he was a brave warrior holding out in a cave, when he was really living in a luxurious three-story compound in Pakistan, with three of his wives. What's more, the compound contained marijuana plants and pornography; if Osama wasnít using them, somebody close to him was.

It has been said that a fish rots from the head down, and Osama's followers follow his example as well as they can. Random autopsies of the enemy dead in Afghanistan have revealed that a lot of them were opium users. And the typical terrorist is apparently sex-starved, judging from their actions during off-duty hours. Videos have been shot in Afghanistan of Taliban members having sex with cows and donkeys. Among the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, the most requested books are the erotic novels in the Fifty Shades of Grey series. The 9/11 hijackers did not spend their last night studying the Koran, or rehearsing their mission; instead they celebrated in the strip clubs of south Florida. In February 2012 we got another example; the Iranian terrorists who tried attacking Israeli diplomats in Thailand also patronized that country's notorious sex workers.

Meanwhile in the Middle East, members of ISIS routinely throw homosexual men off the tops of buildings, while they collect women as sex slaves, and their leader condones sex with boys.

Incidentally, Pakistan's name means "Land of the Pure," but it leads the world every year in pornographic searches per person. Search engines like Google report that Pakistan produces the most searches using terms like "horse sex," "donkey sex," "rape pictures" "gay sex pics" and "child sex." Other Moslem countries like Saudi Arabia and the UAE are not far behind.

the cover of Cosmotaliban

3. They don't know as much about the modern world as we do. No surprise there, considering that their ultimate goal is to bring back a society that existed in the seventh century A.D. The Israelis are second to nobody when it comes to high-tech innovations; Tel Aviv is one of the world's top ten cities for producing new hardware and software. Therefore nobody is surprised when Israelis (or Jews from anywhere else) come up with a clever invention, or win a Nobel Prize. In the past week, I have read reports of Israeli hackers taking down Iranian government websites, and posting thousands of Iranian credit card numbers. And the Stuxnet virus, which Israel used to cripple Iran's nuclear program, was simply ingenious. Can anyone imagine the Arabs or Iranians retaliating the same way?

This video shows something else the enemy has no defense against, if they want to keep using telephones.

One of the silliest examples of how terrorists can be both stupid and naive happened when some Algerians tried a cyber-attack on Israel in 2010. Cyber-terrorism doesn't require the attacker to commit suicide (computers don't blow up), but that doesn't mean it is any more likely to succeed if the hacker doesn't know what he is doing. In this case, the target they chose to attack was not the website of the Israel Defense Forces, or the prime minister's website, but a webpage about Belvoir Fortress, a Crusader stronghold in Israel that dates back to the twelfth and thirteenth centuries. The webpage is meant to promote tourism to Israel's archaeological sites, so why the terrorists chose such an irrelevant target is puzzling, even when you know that today's Arabs are obsessed with the Crusades. But they didn't even get their target right; instead they mistook Belvoir Castle in England for Belvoir Fortress, and attacked the castle's website instead. Belvoir Castle is 2,000 miles away from the Israel, and while the Royalists used it during the English Civil War of the 1640s, it hasn't played a military role since then; nowadays the main event at the castle is an annual teddy bears' picnic. Well, we know that Moslems are awfully touchy about teddy bears named Muhammad.

Even when doing something non-violent to help the cause, terrorists have trouble getting it right. In 2005 an Al Qaeda agent, Abu al Tayyeb, sent $35 million to an associate, Mohammad Qasim al Ghamdi, to use for fundraising in the United States. Ghamdi invested $26.7 million of it in an account with R. J. O'Brien & Associates, a brokerage house. Then when choosing which stocks, bonds, etc. to buy with the money, he made so many bad decisions that eight months later he was left with only $6.6 million.

A more recent example: You've probably heard stories about somebody getting in trouble because he wrote a steamy e-mail to a co-worker he liked, or he wrote an e-mail that called his boss a bunch of nasty names, and he accidentally sent it to everybody in his address book. Well, terrorists can do the same thing. In 2012 Qari Yousuf Ahmedi, a spokesman for the Taliban, received a routine press release from Zabihullah Mujahid, another Taliban spokesman, and he forwarded the message to the outside world media. Typically these press releases have the Taliban claiming responsibility for some bombing or shooting in Afghanistan. But this time Ahmedi copied the list of recipients to the CC line of the e-mail, instead of to the BCC line. Because of that little mistake, everyone who got the e-mail also got the Taliban's entire mailing list. Among the more than 400 names on the list, most were journalists, but there was also a provincial governor, a member of Afghanistan's legislature, several academics and activists, a committee of Afghan consultants, and a representative of Gulbuddein Hekmatar, a notorious warlord. The lives of everyone on that list just got more precarious, now that the world knows their e-mail addresses and their connection to the Taliban. Maybe the terrorists should have stuck to forms of communication they are more familiar with, like carrier pigeons!

4. When they succeed, their attacks backfire on them. Osama's biggest mistake was thinking he could kick over the American beehive, and the bees would not try to sting him. That may be true with Canada and the European nations; these days they don't feel any use of force is justified if they go it alone. However, the United States has a tradition of responding to surprise attacks by hitting the attacker three ways: hard, fast, and continuously. The two best examples of this are well known: the US response to the incidents involving the USS Maine and Pearl Harbor. Moreover, both of those incidents happened when the United States was less prepared for war than it was in 2001, but that did not stop the Americans from winning. It also appears that Osama didn't pay much attention to movies about attacks on the United States, like "Red Dawn" and "Independence Day." In those stories a common theme is that the Americans fight back, even when the odds against them are hopeless.

The American response to 9/11: from the North . . .

the Sopranos, fuhgedaboudit

And from the South.

the Redneck Special Forces

After the Soviet Union pulled its troops out of Afghanistan, the United States lost interest in the place. By 2001, the Taliban had gained control of 90 percent of the country, and it looked like it was only a matter of time before they would have the other 10 percent, too. Meanwhile, under Saddam Hussein, Iraq was the biggest threat to stability in the Middle East, but President Bush wasn't planning to invade Iraq, either; he faced a recession when he entered the White House, so his priority was getting the United States out of that slump.

All that changed on September 11, 2001. Since then the terrorists have lost two countries that were friendly to them. And a lot them--bin Laden included--would probably be alive today if 9/11 hadn't taken place. It's a scandal that the Western media has carefully kept track of how many American and other coalition soldiers were killed, but does not try to find out how many terrorists were killed in return. The best estimate I have heard proposed that there are five to eight dead enemy combatants for every dead American. So if you support or sympathize with the other side, how do you like the score so far? There are more than 300 million U.S. citizens; at this rate, if you want to kill them all, you will have to sacrifice every Moslem man, woman and child to do it.

Terrorism's endgame

For more about the shortcomings of our enemies. I recommend you read The Case For Calling Them Nitwits.

If You Can't Beat Them, Sue Them

It is also possible to strike terrorist organizations in the wallet, using the modern worldís legal system to tie up their finances. An Israeli attorney, Nitsana Darshan-Leitner, is having a lot of success doing just that. I bet our enemies understand this form of fighting even less than attacks using high technology. The Middle East gets the credit for inventing the law code, because of ancient kings like Hammurabi in Iraq, but when it comes to lawyers, we are light-years ahead of them. After all, this is the "Sue S. A."--the most litigious society of all time! Former Vice President Dan Quayle once said that the United States has 70 percent of the world's lawyers; let us put them to work on this worthy pursuit. Since it is their side that has access to almost unlimited oil wealth, I see lawsuits against them as a well that won't run dry during my lifetime. Follow the links below to read more about this tactic.

Art of lawfare: the woman who fights terror

Crippling Terrorism in the Courts

Our Secret Weapon

I donít see Islam ever getting popular in Alaska, because itís too far north. How do you observe the Ramadan fast in a place that experiences the midnight sun, if Ramadan falls in the summer? Likewise, I donít see Islam catching on in Hawaii. According to Wikipedia there are 2,000 Moslems in that state (1,999 if you donít count Barack Obama), but itís hard to be perpetually angry in a place as nice as that. Along that line, have you noticed that Indonesia is 90 percent Moslem, but the inhabitants of Bali, another famous island paradise, still practice the ancient religion that existed before Islam came to the islands around them?

There is a fellow who calls himself Wild Bill for America, who posts his opinions on YouTube every week. Now he seems to have hit the nail on the head, about what Americans will really fight for. My favorite line is this one on why Americans should drink: "We donít have the option of putting unattractive women in burkas, and if it wasnít for alcohol, liberal women might never have children!" (Look at the last picture on this page to see what he means by that.).

Islam will never conquer Americaís Heartland as long as we remember the message in this video. You know itís true with Texas, and I can testify itís true with Kentucky, too. From my days in Florida, I remember a chain of restaurants that specialized in salads, called Crisperís, but after more than a decade in Kentucky, I have not found any restaurant like that here. On the other hand, we have plenty of barbecue places, where you can get a slab of ribs with a side order or two, like this:

Ribs, French fries and Texas toast.
Bon appetit!

University of Kentucky BBQ sauce.
And Go 'Cats! (Support for the local college team gets in everywhere!)

Redneck barbecue out of control.
You can count on them Hillbillies to know how to do it right.

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