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The Xenophile Historian

K. U. P.

(Kimball's Unauthorized Perversion)

Why Athletes and Coaches Can't Have Regular Jobs

If you thought the quotes in the previous list were dumb, these are worse.

  1. "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."--Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
  2. "I've never had knee surgery on any other part of my body."--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
  3. "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."--Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson
  4. "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."--Dizzy Dean, explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series
  5. "We all get heavier as we get older because there is a lot more information in our heads."--Vlade Divak, basketball player for the Los Angeles Lakers
  6. "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."--Boxing promoter Dan Duva, on why Mike Tyson hooked up again with promoter Don King
  7. "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."--Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
  8. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."--Jason Kidd, when drafted to the Dallas Mavericks
  9. "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"--Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player
  10. "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."--Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D
  11. When he heard Joe Jacobi of the Washington Redskins say, "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Oakland Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
  12. "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."--Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice
  13. "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."--Basketball star Shaquille O'Neal, when asked whether he had visited the Parthenon on a trip to Greece
  14. "Half this game is 90 percent mental."--Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies baseball team manager
  15. "You guys line up alphabetically by height."--Florida State football coach Bill Peterson. Another time he told the players, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
  16. When Bob Costas asked Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
  17. "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." --Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, describing his coach, John Jenkins
  18. "I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class."--George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
  19. "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."--New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers, when asked about the upcoming season
  20. "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."--NC State's Charles Shackelford
  21. "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."--Football commentator and former quarterback Joe Theismann
  22. "I want to eat his children! Praise be to Allah!"--Former boxing champ Mike Tyson, talking about opponent Lennox Lewis
  23. "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."--Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, commenting on his team's 7-27 record for the 1991-92 season.

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