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The Xenophile Historian





THE HOLY BOOK OF UNIVERSAL TRUTHS,
K. U. P.


(Kimball's Unauthorized Perversion)





Dumb Questions & Answers in the Courtroom


Taken from the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses. These make me wonder if sodium pentothal ("truth serum") might be a better way to determine guilt and innocence:

"Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"

"Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

Q: "What happened then?"
A: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Q: "Did he kill you?"

"Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?"

"The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"How long have you been a French Canadian?"

"Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

Q: "I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
A: "That's me."
Q: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

"Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

Q: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Q: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
A: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Q: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "What were you doing at that time?"

Q: "Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?"
A: "I used to be."
Q: "How many times have you committed suicide?"

"So you were gone until you returned?"

Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there girls?"

"You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

Q: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: "Were you acquainted with the defendant?"
A: "Yes, sir."
Q: "Before or after he died?"

Judge: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information from your minds, if you have any."

Q: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Opposing atorney: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

Q: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
A: "She is my daughter."
Q: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

Q: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

Q: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?"
A: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?"
A: "No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!"

"Have you ever thought of committing unvoluntary manslaughter?"

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury! Please take a long, hard look at this alleged repeat sex offender...."

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin.
Q: What's his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.

Q: And what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on . . . what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did!

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That is the only kind I know.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.


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© Copyright 2016 Charles Kimball




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