Click here for the home page 

The Xenophile Historian





THE HOLY BOOK OF UNIVERSAL TRUTHS,
K. U. P.


(Kimball's Unauthorized Perversion)





Classy Insults



Have you noticed that insults used to require a bit of thought? Maybe it's because we expect more from educated people. Nowadays most folks just resort to cuss words. Because children may be reading this, I can't repeat those kind of insults here, except maybe for the quote where Barack Obama commented that in August and September, Washington gets "all wee-weed up." Below are some of the best insults of all time. Note that a lot of them come from members of the US Congress, or Britain's Parliament, places where good speaking skills have always been required.

  1. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."--Stephen Bishop (I believe this became the title for a country song later on)
  2. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator."--John Bright
  3. George W. Bush (talking to an east coast reporter): "I don't read half of what you write."
     Reporter: "We don't listen to half of what you say."
     George W. Bush: "That's apparent in the half of what I read."
  4. Lady Astor: "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
     Winston Churchill: "If I was your husband I'd drink it."
  5. Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!"
     Winston Churchill: "And you are ugly. But I shall be sober tomorrow."
  6. Clement Attlee (in a restroom, as Churchill comes in and goes to the urinal farthest away from the one he's standing at): "Feeling standoffish today, Winston?"
     Winston Churchill: "Every time you see something big, you nationalize it."
  7. "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."--Winston Churchill
  8. George Bernard Shaw (in a letter he wrote to Churchill): "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend . . . if you have one."
     Winston Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second . . . if there is one."
  9. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."--Irvin S. Cobb
  10. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."--Clarence Darrow
  11. A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
     Benjamin Disraeli: "That depends, Sir, on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
  12. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."--William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
  13. Louisiana governor Huey Long: "If there had been a back door at the Alamo, there wouldn't have been a Texas."
     Texas governor James "Pa" Ferguson: "Ah, but there was a back door - and that's why there's a Louisiana."
  14. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."--Moses Hadas
  15. Senator Everett M. Dirksen (showing off his new car phone): "I just got a car phone. I thought I'd make my first call to you."
     Lyndon B. Johnson: "Just a minute, Ev, while I answer my other phone."
  16. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."--Paul Keating
  17. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts . . . for support rather than illumination."--Andrew Lang
  18. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."--Groucho Marx
  19. Groucho Marx (on his game show, "You Bet Your Life"): "I understand you have ten children. Why so many?"
     Contestant: "Well, Groucho, I love my wife."
     Groucho Marx: "I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."
  20. "He is a man of splendid abilities, but utterly corrupt. Like a rotten mackerel in the moonlight, he both shines and stinks."--Senator John Randolph of Virginia, commenting on fellow lawmaker Edward Livingston
  21. Tristam Burges, rejoicing that John Randolph is sterile: "But I rejoice that the Father of Lies can never become the Father of Liars. One adversary of God and man is enough for one universe."
     John Randolph: "You pride yourself on an animal faculty, in respect to which the slave is your equal and the jackass infinitely your superior!"
  22. John Randolph, blocking Henry Clay's path on a sidewalk: "I never turn out for scoundrels!"
     Henry Clay: "I always do." (then he stepped around Randolph in mock politeness)
  23. Babe Ruth (answering a reporter who pointed out that in 1931 he made $80,000, $5,000 more than President Hoover): "Maybe so, but I had a better year than he did."
  24. George Bernard Shaw (on the opening night for his play "Arms and the Man," responding to a man in the audience who booed when everyone else applauded): "I quite agree with you, my friend, but what can we two do against a whole houseful of the opposite opinion?"
  25. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."--Charles, Count Talleyrand
  26. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."--Forrest Tucker
  27. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"--Mark Twain
  28. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."--Mark Twain
  29. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."--Mae West
  30. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..."--Oscar Wilde
  31. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."--Oscar Wilde
  32. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."--Billy Wilder
Waldorf and Statler.
No wonder the characters on "The Muppet Show" known for classy insults were also the oldest.

Support this site!

© Copyright 2016 Charles Kimball




Return to Chapter 1

Remember to check out the rest of the content on this site.




Visitors: