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The Xenophile Historian

K. U. P.

(Kimball's Unauthorized Perversion)

Erudite Quotes

I tried looking up information on one Boswell D. Rabbitsmith, because he is credited with a long list of witty quotes, statements that seem to require more thinking than most of us do. All I could find was that he is an "erudite scientist" who once said, "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." Of course, that makes his quotes perfectly suited to follow the ones you've already seen on this page, so here they are:

  1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
  3. Half the people you know are below average.
  4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  5. 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  8. If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
  9. All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
  10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
  12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  13. How can you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
  14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  16. When everything seems to be coming your way, maybe you're in the wrong lane.
  17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not being smart enough to be lazy.
  18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
  19. I intend to live forever... so far, so good.
  20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  22. What happens if you get scared half to death...twice?
  23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
  24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  30. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  31. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
  32. If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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