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The Xenophile Historian





THE HOLY BOOK OF UNIVERSAL TRUTHS,
K. U. P.


(Kimball's Unauthorized Perversion)





One Story, Four Perspectives


Once upon a time God looked down on the world and loathed what He saw. Most likely He looked at a time when the daytime TV talk shows were on, addressing topics like "Gay nuns on dope" or "Castrated men who still fear the bicycle bar." At any rate, He could no longer stand the world's sin, and decided to destroy the Earth. Then He warned four major newspapers: The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, and The Washington Post, letting them know that they only had two days left. Each of those newspapers reported the upcoming catastrophe differently, with the following headlines:

The New York Times: God Announces He Will Destroy Earth In Two Days. Details on Page D-38 (after the book reviews, of course).

The Wall Street Journal: World Scheduled to End in 48 Hours. Stock Market Slump Predicted.

USA Today (a paper known for writing short stories): WE'RE DOOMED!

The Washington Post: End of World Expected in Two Days. Women and Minorities are Likely to Suffer the Most.



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