The Xenophile Historian

How to Install a Southern Home Security System

Are you bothered to death by telemarketers trying to sell you a home security system? Here is an alternative that will cost you a lot less:

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & me went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.

- Cooter

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