The Xenophile Historian

Bovine Economics 101

ALTERNATIVE CULTURE:
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows man. You got to have some of this milk.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. You sell one and force the other one to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead, and hire a consultant to find out why.

ANARCHY:
You have 2 cows. You keep both cows, shoot the government agent, and steal another cow.

ARTIST [VISUAL]:
You have 2 cows. You stuff them and put them in glass display boxes. In London.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. Both are on the barbie.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1,000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. Both are mad. They both have bad teeth. You try to sell them on the Continent.

A CANADIAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows. They look like a pair of moose -- in fact, they are moose. One fights to create its own country and speaks French, the other won't let it secede and speaks English. They both play ice hockey rather well.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. Finally you sell them all and retire on the profits.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the journalist who reported otherwise.

CHRISTIANITY:
You have 2 cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor who has no cows. Then you covet it.

PRIMITIVE COMMUNAL SOCIETY:
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows. The government takes both but lets you have some of the milk. You wait in line for hours to get the milk, and it is sour by then.

A DOMINICAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows. You donate one to the party most likely to win the next election (and the other to the second best bet just to cover your back). You sit back and wait for the returns to come rolling in.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have 2 cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. No balance sheet is provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

ENVIRONMENTALISM:
You have 2 cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

A EUROPEAN UNION-COMPLIANT CORPORATION:
You have two cows. The EU develops a quota system that "limits the gas emissions from flatulent cows." You sell your carbon allotment, not the milk.

FASCISM:
You have 2 cows. The government takes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

FEMINISM:
You have two cows. They refuse to wear bras.

FEUDALISM:
You have 2 cows. You keep them and give your lord some of the milk.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want 3 cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. You re-engineer them so they are all blond, live 100 years, eat once a month, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk which they milk themselves, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. You worship them.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows, but you don’t know where they are. While looking for them, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are 1/10 the size of an ordinary cow, and produce the milk of 20 cows. They can travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Almost all graduated in the top 10 percent of their class. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

LIBERTARIANISM:
Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have 2 cows, but you don’t know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

MODERN DEMOCRACY:
You have 2 cows. Your neighbor has none. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay for the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

"NEW DEAL" BUREAUCRACY:
You have 2 cows. The government buys both cows, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. You count them and learn that you have 5 cows. You count them again and learn that you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn that you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of Vodka.

SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor who has no cows. Your neighbor is a chicken farmer. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmer. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

A SWEDISH CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. You bought them from IKEA and assembled them yourself. The Volvo cows last a lot longer but cost more.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. If they give milk, you tell no one.

TALIBANISM:
You have 2 cows, which are all the cows in Afghanistan. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. At night when no one is looking, you have sex with them.

TOTALITARIANISM:
You have 2 cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

THEOCRACY:
You have 2 cows. The priest takes all your milk to offer it to God and drinks it.

THE UNITED NATIONS:
You have 2 cows. France vetoes you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. Russia abstains.

UTOPIANISM:
You have 2 cows. Mother Nature zaps the cows, turning their udders into eternal milk-shake dispensers.

A WELSH CORPORATION
You have 2 cows. The one on the left is kinda cute.

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