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The Xenophile Historian

Kentucky Jokes

I have poked fun at other states, now it is time for the state where I currently live. Or, if you'd rather, replace the word "Kentucky" with the name of the state you wish to humiliate.

Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Frankfort, Kentucky burned down?
A: Yep. Purty near took out the whole trailer park.

A new law recently passed in Eastern Kentucky: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of Kentucky?
A: I-65 (In my case it's I-75).

Two Kentuckians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Dean, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"

Q: What do a divorce in Eastern Kentucky, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

A Kentuckian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

Q: Why do folks in Eastern Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: The sign said "17 and under not admitted."

Q: What do you get when you have 32 Eastern Kentuckians in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: What's long and hard on a Kentucky football player?
A: First grade.

Q: Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Kentucky State Lottery?
A: If you win, you gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

Q: Why are murder cases hard to solve in Kentucky?
A: No dental records, and everyone has the same DNA.

Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?
A: If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called the teethbrush.

Kentucky Computer Terms

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Hippie talk for where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI (pronounced "scuzzy") - What you call your week-old underwear

The Kentuckian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car.
"Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.
"No," he replied.
A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"
"No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ainít from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "Iím from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "Iím a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "Itís okay boys, heís one of us!"

Redneck barbecue out of control.

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