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The Xenophile Historian




Humor From The Deep South

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

Louisiana

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodeaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

South Carolina

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

How do you know when you're staying in a South Carolina hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says "Go ahead."

Arkansas

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head "No!"
Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head, "No!"
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

Florida

A man and his wife were driving their RV across Florida and were nearing a town called Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it -- KISS-a-me; kis-IM-me; kis-a-ME?
They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a restaurant to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress; "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand?"
The woman looked at him and said; "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

Virginia

After Osama Bin Laden was killed, the next thing he knew, he was standing before the Pearly Gates. There he met George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Mr. Washington, as he slapped Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans’ liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.
James Madison came up next, and said, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" Then he delivered a kick to Osama’s knee.
Osama took similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and 63 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.
As Thomas Jefferson hurled him against the gates, Osama saw someone who was not American, and recognized him immediately.
"Mohammed!" Osama screamed. "Great Prophet, this is not what I was promised!"
Mohammed replied, "I told you there would be 70 Virginians waiting for you in Paradise. What did you think I said?"

*** You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North!


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