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The Xenophile Historian

K. U. P.

(Kimball's Unauthorized Perversion)

The Commandments According to the Religious Left

(From the August 1994 issue of The Limbaugh Letter)

You've probably heard the term "Religious Right" applied to Fundamentalists of any religion, but is there a "Religious Left," too? There most certainly is! I use the term for New Agers, neopagans, non-theists (atheists, agnostics and humanists), and liberals who attend a church or synagogue; all of these see the Religious Right as the greatest threat to our political system. The Religious Left does not have a Bible or manifesto per se, but if it did put down its rules in writing, they would look like Ted Turner's "Twelve Suggestions," or something like this:

I. Thou shalt have no other God except thyself; after all, it's thy self-esteem that counts. If thou doth not love thee, who will?
II. Thou shalt not make any graven images out of any substances which cannot be recycled.
III. Thou shalt not take the name of liberals in criticism, including feminists, racial minorities, or anyone else who thinks he is a victim of America.
IV. Remember the anniversaries of Roe vs. Wade and Anita Hill's testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and keep them holy.
V. Honor thy mother. If she's dysfunctional, it's thy father's fault.
VI. Thou shalt not kill. With these exceptions: life forms under the second trimester, and those opting for medically assisted suicides.
VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Unless thou aspirest to political office, useth a condom, or thou cannot help it.
VIII. Thou shalt not steal. Unless thou art disadvantaged or upset with a jury verdict.
IX. Thou shalt not bear false witness. Unless thou art discussing the history of the 1980s, art campaigning, or can afford good legal counsel in the event thou art discovered--and can ask the American people to pay the legal bills.
X. Thou shalt not covet. Unless thou art the victim of gender-related oppression or institutional racism, or art still angry with Reagan's tax cuts.
XI. Always hide the real truth about thyself.
XII. Never admit who or what thou really art when campaigning for office.
XIII. Always blame someone else for what thou doest--even so far as to blame the entire society.
XIV. Thou shalt oppose all punishment--except when conservative Republicans or religious right people criticize thee.

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