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The Xenophile Historian

K. U. P.

(Kimball's Unauthorized Perversion)

Conservative vs. Liberal

(How To Tell Them Apart)

It used to be easy to tell the difference between folks on opposite ends of the political spectrum. Traditionally, liberals were seen as wanting more freedom for everyone, while conservatives stuck to "old-fashioned" values. However, it is not so clear now. Here are some examples of the differences between today's conservatives and liberals.

Pro-choice Democrat.

  1. If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
  2. If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants your guns outlawed.

  3. If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
  4. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

  5. If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
  6. A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

  7. If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
  8. If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

  9. If black or Hispanic men are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
  10. Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

  11. If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
  12. A down-and-out liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

  13. If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
  14. Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

  15. If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
  16. A liberal non-believer wants any mention of the Judeo-Christian God and religion silenced.

  17. If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may compete for a job that provides it.
  18. A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

  19. If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.
  20. If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor and then sues.

  21. If a company CEO expresses an opinion that a conservative doesn't like (e.g., Amazon, Apple, Ben & Jerry's and Starbucks), the conservative does not do business with that company. Or he may buy the company's product, but ignore the CEO's opinion.
  22. If a company CEO expresses an opinion that a liberal doesn't like (e.g., Chick-fil-A, Hobby Lobby, Papa John's), the liberal wants the company put out of business. Or at least he tries to keep it from expanding where he lives.

  23. If a conservative receives this in his e-mail, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
  24. A liberal will delete it because he's "offended."

Left vs. Right, a quick comparison.

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