THE HOLY BOOK OF UNIVERSAL TRUTHS,
K. U. P.
(Kimball's Unauthorized Perversion)
I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for Clinton/Gore." So, I sat down and reflected on that, and I am sending my "Thank you" for what you have done, specifically:
1. Thank you for introducing us to Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and Juanita Broderick. Are there any others that we should know about?
2. Thank you for teaching my kid about oral sex. I had really planned to wait until she was a teenager to discuss it, but now she probably knows more about it than I did in college.
3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place (especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to know is what the meaning of "IS" is. It really is great to know that certain sexual acts are not sex and one person may have sex while the other one involved does not have sex.
4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie, "Wag the Dog," could be plausible after all.
5. Thank you for giving us a "Cabinet that looks like America," complete with 14 lawyers and 10 millionaires.
6. Thank you for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look like a gentleman, and John Kennedy look moral.
7. Thank you for the 73 House and Senate witnesses who have pleaded the 5th Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country, to avoid testifying about Democrat campaign fund raising.
8. Thank you for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, 4 imprisonments and one suicide from the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal convictions (so far) in the other Clinton scandals.
9. Thank you for reducing the armed forces by half, showing us how to use the rest in "Meals On Wheels"-type programs and social experiments, gutting much of our foreign policy, and flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully disguised as necessary trips. Thank you also for creating a new socio-economic class, the "military poor," and for teaching us that "Don't ask, don't tell" really meant "Don't ask, don't vote."
10. Thank you for ignoring three offers from other countries to hand over Osama bin Laden and/or information on the al-Qaeda organization. Thank you also for not going after the group that bombed the USS Cole, and (except for a few air raids on Sudan and Afghanistan) not getting tough on terrorism in general. Your successor looked so much better in the "wartime leader" role, and at the time, we weren't interested in foreign affairs anyway.
12. Thank you for inheriting an economy that was coming out of a recession, and leaving it as it goes into another one. The boom of the 1990s was longer than most, but you have just showed us that the economy still moves in cycles.
13. Thank you, also, for "finding" millions of dollars of excess money to tax. I really didn't need it in the first place and I can't think of a better use for my hard-earned dollars than jet fuel for all of your globe-trotting. I understand that you, the family and your cronies have logged in more time aboard Air Force One than any other administration.
14. Now that you've left the White House, thanks for the 140 pardons of convicted felons and indicted felons-in-exile. We will love to have them rejoin society.
15. Thanks also for removing the White House silverware, I'm sure that Laura Bush didn't like the pattern anyway. Also, enjoy the house-warming gifts you've received from your friends.
16. Special thanks to you and your staff in the West Wing of the White House for vandalizing and destroying government property on the way out. I also appreciate removing all that excess china, silverware, linen, towels, ash trays, soap, pens, magnetic compass, flight manuals, etc. from Air Force One. The weight savings means burning less fuel, thus less tax dollars spent on jet fuel, thank you!
17. And finally, please ensure that Hillary enjoys the $8 million dollar advance for her "tell-all" book and you, Bill, the $10 million advance for your memoirs. Who says crime doesn't pay?
God bless America and THANK YOU (once again) for spending my taxes so wisely and frugally.
p.s., Please pass along a special thank you to Al Gore for "inventing" the Internet; without it I could not send you this wonderful letter.
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