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The Xenophile Historian

K. U. P.

(Kimball's Unauthorized Perversion)

For Those Who Have Gotten This Far and Still Take Life Too Seriously

  1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
  2. A day without sunshine is like night.
  3. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  4. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  5. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?
  6. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  7. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
  8. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
  9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  10. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  11. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in most states and territories.
  12. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  13. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  14. Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
  15. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  16. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  17. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  18. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
  19. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  20. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  21. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  22. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  23. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  24. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  25. Get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
  26. Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow.
  27. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
  28. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

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