THE HOLY BOOK OF UNIVERSAL TRUTHS,
K. U. P.
(Kimball's Unauthorized Perversion)
For Those Who Have Gotten This Far and Still Take Life Too Seriously
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- A day without sunshine is like night.
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
- Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in most states and territories.
- Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
- For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
- Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow.
- Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
- Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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