THE HOLY BOOK OF UNIVERSAL TRUTHS,
K. U. P.
(Kimball's Unauthorized Perversion)
Still More Eternal Truths
- When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt.
- Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
- I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
- If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
- Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
- If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.
- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- Some days are a total waste of makeup.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- Junk is something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
- Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
- If you see a sign advertising a yard sale, pass it up. Usually they only have one yard for sale, and it's covered with used junk.
- Never look a gift horse in the mouth, and if you look in the other end, cowboys will make fun of you.
- The person who said, "two heads are better than one," was not an ultrasound technician!
- I used to complain because I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet. Now I complain because he gets the good parking spots.
- Are gansta rappers really that tough? My grandfather cusses and wears pants three sizes too large, too.
- Jesse Jackson, Jim Bakker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
- Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
- The difference between the Pope and your boss....the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
- My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
- I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
- It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
- My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.
- I'm so depressed because my doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
- As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
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