When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt.
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
If you see a sign advertising a yard sale, pass it up. Usually they only have one yard for sale, and it's covered with used junk.
Never look a gift horse in the mouth, and if you look in the other end, cowboys will make fun of you.
The person who said, "two heads are better than one," was not an ultrasound technician!
I used to complain because I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet. Now I complain because he gets the good parking spots.
Are gansta rappers really that tough? My grandfather cusses and wears pants three sizes too large, too.
Jesse Jackson, Jim Bakker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
The difference between the Pope and your boss....the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.
I'm so depressed because my doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
