THE HOLY BOOK OF UNIVERSAL TRUTHS,
K. U. P.
(Kimball's Unauthorized Perversion)
Your Daily Moment of Zen
or, Some Proverbs You've Probably Heard, Brought up to Date
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the heck alone.
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
- Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
- Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
- It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away -- and you have their shoes.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
- If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- Don't squat with your spurs on.
- If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
- Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
- Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
- Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Duct tape is like the Force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs.
- You can do anything if you want it bad enough. That is why we see so many people who can fly.
- Never say die. I've tried, and it doesn't actually make people die.
- Never under-estimate your ability to over-estimate your ability.
- Laughter is the best medicine, but in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate.
- While others complain that their glasses are half empty, find joy in the fact that yours is half full. Just make sure it's twice as big as everyone else's glass.
- It takes a village to raise a child to hate all of the people in the next village.
- Dare to dream the impossible. I mean, why not? Dreaming doesn't take any effort.
- The key to someone's heart is never lost; it's just that the locks were changed because you're some sort of psycho.
- You have to learn to crawl before you can grovel.
- Each dawn brings us a fresh start, because we never learn, do we?
- You've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince. But he probably isn't going to be interested in a frog-kisser.
- Every failure is a step to success, up a ladder that will eventually collapse under the weight of all those failures.
- True beauty is on the inside, where no one will ever see it.
- One person can make a difference, if that person is, like, Bill Gates or whatzisname, the speaker of the House of Representatives.
- Every dog has his day. Of course, his day consists of smelling other dogs' butts.
- You can run but you can't hide, except apparently along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border.
Support this site!
© Copyright 2016 Charles Kimball
Remember to check out the rest of the content on this site.