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The Xenophile Historian





THE HOLY BOOK OF UNIVERSAL TRUTHS,
K. U. P.


(Kimball's Unauthorized Perversion)





Your Daily Moment of Zen

or, Some Proverbs You've Probably Heard, Brought up to Date


  1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the heck alone.
  2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
  3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
  4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
  5. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
  8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
  10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
  11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away -- and you have their shoes.
  13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
  15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
  17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
  18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
  19. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
  20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  24. Duct tape is like the Force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  25. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  26. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
  27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
  29. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs.
  30. You can do anything if you want it bad enough. That is why we see so many people who can fly.
  31. Never say die. I've tried, and it doesn't actually make people die.
  32. Never under-estimate your ability to over-estimate your ability.
  33. Laughter is the best medicine, but in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate.
  34. While others complain that their glasses are half empty, find joy in the fact that yours is half full. Just make sure it's twice as big as everyone else's glass.
  35. It takes a village to raise a child to hate all of the people in the next village.
  36. Dare to dream the impossible. I mean, why not? Dreaming doesn't take any effort.
  37. The key to someone's heart is never lost; it's just that the locks were changed because you're some sort of psycho.
  38. You have to learn to crawl before you can grovel.
  39. Each dawn brings us a fresh start, because we never learn, do we?
  40. You've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince. But he probably isn't going to be interested in a frog-kisser.
  41. Every failure is a step to success, up a ladder that will eventually collapse under the weight of all those failures.
  42. True beauty is on the inside, where no one will ever see it.
  43. One person can make a difference, if that person is, like, Bill Gates or whatzisname, the speaker of the House of Representatives.
  44. Every dog has his day. Of course, his day consists of smelling other dogs' butts.
  45. You can run but you can't hide, except apparently along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border.

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